I realized a long time ago that I was a sharp tongued shrewish type.

I don’t particularly care for most people and I don’t have a lot of patience.

Despite this, I have made a few close friends in my life.  Poppabear, Dawn, the kids…

As you’ve heard things have been tough, not terrible but tough in the last year or so.  And I had thought Poppabear and I had been doing fairly well at holding on to each other.  But I realized occassionally, I was not keeping up my end of the relationship, that I had withdrawn a bit, the stress of everything wore me down as much as it would wear on anyone.

So today I decided to do a few things, I bought Poppa bear a just because gift, and myself something to help me with another problem I’ve had.

I texted the man about an event today that I thought he should take the baby bear to.  Nothing in return.  Realized later that a friend of his has a birthday today.  Called his cell to inform him, no answer…called the house phone, thinking he’d left his phone turned off, a very common thing for him.  He called be back on his cell while that phone was in mid-ring and demaneded, in the tone of you’ve woken me up from a nap ”What do you want” I didn’t mention the text message, just about the friends birthday and suggested he go grab a gift, the friends house is on the way home from work for me so we could drop off said gift.

He gave me the ‘fine alright whatever’ brush off and as he proceeded to hang up I heard his angry plaintive whining “Fuck just leave me alone!”

I realized this has been happening, almost constantly over the last few months.  He resents any of my suggestions about what to do during the day to keep active, to keep his spirits up,…Because I did spend 6 years at home,…but that was by CHOICE.  His at home time didn’t begin as a choice.  Unfortunately, the Poppa bear has become discouraged I think, dispirited, whether he wants to admit it or not.  He’s getting comfortable being relatively lazy, though if I said that he’d fly off into a rage about me being so cruel.  I admit to being a perfectionist.  With he and I both working, we had a menu planned for the week, and chores divided…And we kept things together.  When I stayed home full time, Poppa bears jobs usually involved lugging heavy things, and taking out the trash or helping me reach those things I couldn’t.

With him home full time, I truly thinks he means to do things…and some days he does.  Dinner for instance is certainly one consistency of his.  But slowly our house descends, time and time again into relative trashiness.  I took pride in having a neatened up house when he got home, because he worked so hard for us…I wasn’t perfect, by no means.  But the pride he shows is only sporadic and I don’t think it’s because I don’t compliment him.

He and the baby bear both, have gotten so lazy and complacent this summer…its heartbreaking to see my dear poppa bear act like it doesn’t matter if he gets a job or not he’ll just ‘wait till something comes along’ I agreed to this originally because of the kiddo being out of school for the summer and now I think it was a drastic mistake on my part, that I didn’t push and support him enough.

All I know is that over the last several months I’ve found myself ANGRY with him,  and trying to quiet that anger, that some of it’s irrational irritation, not real anger.  But his repeated temper tantrums, the sullen attitude, the daily schedule that reminds me more of a 15 year old left to his own devices during the summer…the more I wonder where the strong man I married went to and how he let other people tear him down to the point that he lost faith in himself.

I’m angry and hurt and I don’t know how to help.