I promised BB some time back I would post more often on the blog.  That didn’t happen.

But I have a sort of excuse!

Back when Momma Bear got the blog given to her, she was a stay at home mom. Even when she initially went back to work she still made erratic effort to blog.  But when her Mommabear passed on, she got swept up into other things, trying to keep the family from falling apart.

It started out simply enough, my mom and dad watched Pro Bull-Riding religiously so a month or so after Mom passed, Dad called, from a bar no less (a place he’d pretty much stayed out of since I was a kid) and I could tell he was lonely. so I got Poppa bear to drive me down and that started a vicious cycle, every few weeks, then every other week, and then EVERY week, I and later Dawnie, my best friend, would join my dad at the same watering hole and proceed to get drunk.  It was fun at first, though I know we all made asses of ourselves on various occasions.

When Momma bear got her own license and vehicle, things changed. I was the party planner, the driver, the baby-sitter. And in a way that wasn’t too bad, I was taking care of everyone…But then it started to become tiresome. Silly little drama’s and things intervened many times.

Two weekends ago now, was probably my worst night. It started out fairly well, me Dad and Dawnie, couple of our regular friends. But then all of my younger brothers, their girlfriends and a few hangers on swarmed upon the bar.

Let me sort of explain. I have 3 brothers, the eldest grew up with a plethora of medical problems, and that led him to have a lot of things done FOR him and a lot of things done to him, and about him. I don’t deny that the kid went through hell growing up, poked, prodded, babied. But while it was all necessary mentally, he learned some very bad social habits and a sickening hubris. Because the nurses at the hospital always made a fuss over him, trying to keep his spirits up, and girls would fawn over him because they felt sorry for him, he decided he was a Pimp Daddy, he treats people around him like shit, like they owe him for the honor of his presence…And that by acting like this he’s making friends. He’s wrong, people use him, flatter him to distract him, and continue to use him. He ended up in prison over it after several chances to reform himself on drug charges.

When he got out, he had ‘found God’ and was going to really be a clean dude, it lasted about a week, maybe two then he was an asshole again. The family, chiefly my Dad and me, had sent him money in prison, visited him, bought minutes on his phone, Dad had paid the payments and lot rent for his trailer, even had a renter in it that did a lot of cleaning up and fixing up…But as soon as he came home it was ‘HIS’ house and people were going to go by his rules.

I’ll refer to him as asshole, and the girl he brought with him as sluttpuppy, because she is, she left this area to go to Vegas got picked up for prostitution and who knows what else, and convinced asshole to buy her a bus ticket home and she’d be his girlfriend…which led asshole to convince dad to spent the near $400.

Then there’s the middle one. His worst problem is he’s just had some bad luck, he gets a job, gets laid off, not fired mind you, laid off. But he’s always been there if I’ve needed him, and rarely asks for help, when he does it’s paid back as soon as he can.

Finally, the Baby. He has 2 babies of his own but there’s all sorts of drama there I’ll touch upon in another post soon enough. The main point is 2 days before I had taken off work to take him to court regarding that situation and afterward made several plans to help him get things together to work this out.

So it’s Saturday and Asshole, Sluttpuppy, Middle brother and girlfriend, and Baby and his girlfriend (I’m going to have to make a separate post about these girls) all arrive and swarm us. Asshole keeps snagging beers out of Dad’s bucket, which is pissing me off. Slutpuppy is off flirting with various other men. Middle and his girl and their couple of other friends are having a good time, and Baby and his girlfriend are sort of milling around in between. This doesn’t sound like a big deal but it made things feel very crowded. Especially since I won’t speak to Asshole and Slutpuppy, and had already been doing some baby sitting of drunks with some other friends earlier in the night.

As the night wore on I slowed then pretty much stopped drinking all together because there was too much going on and I didn’t need to get foggy, Dad stepped outside to talk to Red Riding Hood, another bar slag, who he’s known for years, because she was doing the whole pity me, I have no friends shit, Dawnie got upset when she found out because when they’re drunk Dad and Dawnie thing they have a thing for each other, truth is it’s because they -CAN’T- do anything about it that they even think that.

After getting that situation squared away, I stepped outside with the girlfriend of the Middle and Baby, just to get out of the smoke and noise, Baby was out there with us and ended up admitting he had been doing drugs that very day. I lost my cool, because I had forgone some things, a full day of work, gas money, lunch money,…To take him to court, to support him, to stand behind him..And he couldn’t even manage to go 2 days? I told him then don’t ask me for anything more since you can’t even do this much for yourself…

He got pissed about that.

Finally I had had enough and got Dawnie to agree to leave and took her home, thoroughly disgruntled, annoyed, tired,…

Dawnie though it was her fault, that I was tired of her…And now I realize it’s not that she’s right but she’s not exactly wrong.

I’m tired of being the social and emotional crutch. Dad uses me in place of my mom to hang out with as much as he can, in fact, though it’s a strong compliment, can’t stop from telling everyone far and wide how much I’m like my mom. Dad uses Dawnie for the emotional crutch so he doesn’t have to consider actually trusting and loving someone else because he doesn’t know if he wants to but he is lonely. He uses paying for everything, protecting and babying Asshole and Baby to keep him from facing the mess he’s made for himself.

Dawnie, she used to have a more active social life, but when she had a surprise 4th monster that had to slow down understandably, and she never managed to get back into the swing of things. I think she got lazy and then scared of taking the chance…Now I’m her only local friend. So every weekend she needs a break from the house  the kids and all, so she looks to me.

My weekends used to be get up on Saturday, do the bills and fluff around on the computer for an hour or so, wake the sleeping Poppabear, go get groceries and some lunch, come home unpack, and hang out. Hanging out might include going to Dawnie’s or her coming over here, or going out with my dad, sort of a rotating schedule. Now, it doesn’t run as smoothly and all I feel like I’m doing is the running and the babysitting.

So last weekend, everyone KNEW I had been upset by the weekend before and understood that I wasn’t doing anything.  This weekend though,…I think they all expect me to go back to the way it was…But even though last weekend was a lot of running around, I still didn’t feel as angry at the end of it. So Dad’s already kinda tried to see if I’m planning anything, Dawnie hasn’t but I think she might understand intuitively that I’m  out of juice…And I don’t intend to plan anything. I -might- convince Poppabear to go with me somewhere tonight so I can play a game of pool or two,  but other than that…No, I’m doing everything on my schedule and my whim this time and probably for a while here on out…

I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. But I know eventually everyones going to want to know why…

I’m tired of being the crutch, I need some semblance of ME back.