This isn’t some diatribe about how I’m a better parent or some claptrap like that. The entire situation wasn’t even a big deal but it did raise some thought provoking conversation.

Poppa Bear has never been a 14 year-old girl. I appreciate that sometimes this makes him see things from the outside and approach with a logic that I nor the kidlet can access sometimes. But sometimes understanding how it feels to be a 14 year old girl you do know the root of some reactions and feelings that the kid possibly isn’t aware of or can control. Remember yourself at 14? Boy or girl you probably make a jackarse out of yourself and sometimes those memories come back as adults and make us cringe…But they are learning experiences.

So when something happened and I disagreed with the direction that Poppa Bear took in response. I didn’t talk over him or ignore what he was saying. I didn’t insult his intelligence or parenting capabilities. All I did was say I didn’t think he was going the right thing and why. It wasn’t that he was wrong but I could tell he was missing some insights.

I know partners who would NEVER second guess their other half in discipline matters for fear of creating a division that the child can exploit. To this I say that you’re whitewashing that you’ve probably got some poor communication going on with your partner. Kids can and will try to pit us against each other as they test boundaries and yes, sometimes it works. But if after the first time you and your partner miss the opportunity to use it to create a stronger communication with each other than you’re missing a great opportunity in your lives and your child’s life.

So I stepped in and disagreed and we proceeded to hash out the pro’s and con’s of each of our viewpoints (in short form, we didn’t want to lose the focus on the baby bear caused by the initial catalyst.) and by posing questions to the kidlet as we did so we accomplished several things.

1: We constructively discussed and eventually agreed upon a course of action through an exchange of ideas, feelings and viewpoints from both parental units.

2: We used our own conflict to create a conversation aligned with the original problem to get information from the kidlet in the interest of quantifying each of our positions both solidifying our course of action AND making sure we had as much of the full story as possible.

3: Our kidlet saw two adults in a disagreement that included many facets who agreed on some things, disagreed on others and still walked about with a course of action that focused on the actual problem rather than dragging in a lot of extraneous things that were only connected by very sketchy association. People do not always get along and no compromise happens without some disappointment but if you think something is right or wrong that you should speak up, it’s the only way to be heard.
We’re not perfect parents. We’ve made some mistakes including those inevitable ones where we miss the signs of things right in front of us that every parent makes in some fashion and we’ll probably make a lot more in our efforts to raise a semi-productive person.

Recently, the youngest of our little band of cubs aquired a girlfriend.  This happened to be the cousin of his best friends ex girlfriend.  Dontcha love highschool?

First warning sign:  He can’t call her, she has to call him because she can’t tell her dad about them.

Excuse me?  This guy, we’ll call him Doc, he’s a pretty good kid.  And her parents know she’s had a boyfriend in the past.  So what did our little lolita do to bring down the wrath of dad so that she has to hide her new, well within acceptable dating range, and certainly better behaved than most boys his age, boyfriend?

No clue.  This rough little one-sided relationship goes on for a few months and then…. Dum Dum Dum

She dumps him.

Now I’ve watched a few of my cubs go through break-ups,  I’ve watched them mope, whine, piss and moan.  We’ve even done our share of mopping up tears.  We love our kids but sometimes our boys make the same bad choices over and over again.

Through the magic that is Facebook, I got my youngest one to talking, he tells me what the girl did, what she said, her supposed reasoning.  And then, to my amazement, he takes the long view.

Sure, he says a few uncomplimentary things, blames himself a bit.  Listens when Momma Bear snipes on the girl a bit, looking to make him smile.

And then he tells me about his master stroke:

Him:  So was this entire thing just a waste of time for you?

Her: Uhm yeah….

Him:  Well then, you just totally missed the point.

}End Scene{

Coming from him, this was a brilliant retort, because of his intelligence I know how much venom was injected in that single statement.

Of course I imagine she didn’t understand the deadly insult.  I went on to point out that at this age, adolescent girls are inanely stupid and cruel, they’ll grind a guy under their heel without a backward glance.

 

Our final major marker of the night was us talking about his moving on, and that someday, there really will be somewhere out there for him.

The kind of girl you need is like finding a wheatpenny, in a fountain with a sign on it for donations, next to the only cold soda cart in an amusement park.  Takes time.

 

Poppa Bear was 23 before he really dated.  Trust me, I know what I’m talking about. 

 

He’s not ‘boyfriendly enough’.  Alright, so he doesn’t

I’ve spent the last 5 years roughly on the depoprovera birth control shot, which at first sounded like an excellent idea, no worry birth control, at an affordabe price, fewer mentruations, …Every womans dream right?

Wrong!

The shot was a nightmare that was gradually realized. Never what I would consider to be an extremely sexual person, I lost any and all libido I had previously had. But it wasn’t sudden, it was slow enough that I started to assume it was work, responsibilities, all those minute stresses and situations that wear us down. About 8 months ago, my bloodpressure began to skyrocket, I was getting headaches regularly for the last several months, I had started a frightening weight gain,….and even with attempts at diet and exercise I was not seeing an improvement. So we decided to forgoe the shot for a cycle, within 3 months, my bloodpressure had dropped to manageable levels, I wasn’t having frequent headaches, and even though my first cycle was tiring in some cases, I quickly learned one other thing….Sex was enjoyable again, I looked forward to it, initiated it, … thought about it… Which is something Poppabear greatly benifited from.

With the return of my hormones though, I found that Poppabear has sympathy hormones, the week after my raging hormones go nuts and I return to normal,… he becomes a grump, untouchable, unhappy, and difficult to live with.

Why is this? Is it a latent response to the hormones women give off? is it natures answer to your pms?

Somehere along the way, men must have had this switch built into them, it goes like this, Women(most) are unwililng to have sex during thier cycle, and most men agree this is neither pleasant nor an arousing time. -However- Men in some form, resent this disruption of thier daily urges, and women are moody at best during this time. Men then, when the women return to sunny and normal, are still a bit soured by the pent up frustrations that of the like that a hand cannot satisfy, and remain disagreeable for several more days. I don’t think either side intends for this to happen, and most likely, many marriages have suffered and even broken because often we get too caught up in our own misery to see past the short term stresses and see the person we care for, and it gets blown out of proportion.

Don’t ask me where this was going, I only know where it’s been.

So poppabear and I, after a session of coital enjoyment, ended up having this conversation about the evolution of reproduction, menopause, and societal versus natural norms. This led us to the long conversation about women versus men.

Then in the dark my loving husband says ” We have got to be the most fucked up couple,… discussing things like this after sex,… ” Which got me to wondering… Are we in truth crazy? Doesn’t everyone talk about the ramifications of the Israel conflict from a detached point of view, or the driving force behind such films as Rocky Horror, while still mostly nude and exhausted from carnal pleasures?

Ok… maybe we’re crazy, we’ll never solve the worlds problems, and we’ll almost never win a Nobel Peace Prize….But we have alot of fun with it anyway

My friend BB has been obsessed with this theory recently, that men are completey stuck on the societal norm of the ultra slim female.

At first glance I was inclined to agree with her, but then I did some thinking, remembering and backtracking.

I recall a study, a year or so ago, that said more then 80% of men, actually preferred brunettes, or darker colored hair to blondes for a lasting relationship. Having thought of that study I began to question the truth of the ‘norms’ as she put them. Did men make the norms? or did women do it out of thier usually subconcious nature to one up each other?

Think about it?

Most women are born with darker hair than the Cali sunbleached blonde, and most women, are generally plump, rounded and sensually built according to the greek ideology of women. So why is it that that ‘norm’ seems to be passed over in favour of blonds with tans and hip bones protruding from thier midsections?

I could be a man hating, blame passing woman and say it’s all mens fault, but I’m beginning to think that may be not true, I think somewhere in our primitive history, the only reason a man looked at a thin blonde like that was because it was different than what he saw at home. Different doesn’t translate to better! But cavewoman A, must have gotten jealous of this, as we all do when we percieve the attention drifting from us, and she probably began her campaign by henpecking with her other friends at the morning hide stripping circle, alienating the visitor based upon looks alone. Not only did she most likely get the rumor mill going, she probably nagged her man about it in her most derisive grunting tones, making him want to avoid her presence, and our blond girl? Hell she probably was lonely being in a new place and trying to make friends, but since the women wouldnt talk to her, she talked to the guys, immediantly branding herself a slut, an evil creature. So Cavewoman A becomes bitter, and her daughter, as she grows up, see’s the blonde adult getting attention, and her mother getting none, she decides, in order to get dragged off to the cave of her dreams, she’s going to emulate the popular one.

So with a bit of ammonia, distilled from urine, she bleaches her hair, and with a bit of careful not eating, she denies her body the usual fat stores her people need to survive, making herself weak, which of course attracts a certain kind of man, looking to be a hero.

Now the other girls see this, and maybe they’re not able or aware of the methods to make themselves look like her, but they ARE aware of the attention she gets, and the cycle repeats, and repeats, and …..

We come to the middle of the road of our history, Greek and Roman times. Disease has shown the weaknesses of being thin.By now cultures have merged into different lines of thinking, the Greeks and the Romans, led by women, even if men hold the official seats of power, must have had some forward thinking matronly woman who influenced them in the beginning, maybe her arms were fleshly rounded, perhaps her breasts had suckled children and hung down near her belly button,… But she was strong, intelligent, could set a good table, and earthy enough to be fun for a roll in the furs.

Then Marc Antony goes and screws Cleopatra and all hell breaks loose again, dark women are seen as evil, exotic, but evil, greek women don’t want to be associated with that!! But it’s not until the friendly viking raids they’re reminded of the honey wheat blond thats tall and thin,… so very different from what men see at home,… Not better,… just different.

Of course, roman society collapsed in upon itself so that should give you a hint.

And up the road we go, to what we know as modern society. Men of course, are instant gratification based, in general, what they see they understand, modern cosmetics have shown women how to put obvious work into thier appearance, even if they can’t boil water, which makes most, I say most, men, feel special, that lady love has done work for them, to make themselves attractive for them. And of course, if they do pick the dark plump woman, history has passed down that bitter bitchiness towards the blonde. What man wouldn’t go to the bar at night to escape that, rather than be mired in it?

So women, we have to realize, these ‘norms’ our men supposedly flock too, are mostly of our own creation. We’ve told them for centuries that the blond is prettier, nicer, …. we’ve shoved it down thier throats.

Men, we love you, but they aren’t bright enough to see it for themselves. Not on the surface at least.

However, my friend/enemy Rob, one of the worst womanizing ghetto wiggers I’ve ever known, paid me a compliment in his own way.

We were discussing our friends and thier ladies, and he pointed out that Poppa and I worked out, because I wasn’t the ‘trophy wife’ the others had picked when looking for a wife or girlfriend. ” Your not one of the knockouts, that’s what makes you a good woman”

I think he was trying to say, that since I don’t stress over the outward, but instead put my efforts into setting a good table, keeping my house clean, and keeping my husband deliriously happy with all the little things I do, I was a better woman than those scrawny stupid money grubbing blondes, our other friends had tied themselves to.

See even I’m not immune from the generations old hatred.