The dream began vaguely as most do. Several flashes of some semblance of connection culminating in some sort of revolution. I had been studying some old history regarding the French Revolution and old school American Professional Wrestling which led some crazy confused interludes. One included Eric Bischoff…Weird.

Then out of the fog of the dream came this sense of being under siege. A manor house maybe. ‘We’ whoever we were, were in an antechamber with a room behind us. We were hiding out and waiting to be found/rescued…My in-laws found us, brought us word of the outside world, that the conflict was over. I don’t know what the conflict was…But I was so grateful to see them. Some semblance of the world outside, the world from before. But I was terrified. I had something to tell them…To show them. I hesitantly opened the door that I had been standing in front of for all this time. Inside was relatively dark, dim, shadowy. A scratching sort of noise. I led them in and there sat this man. He was sketching, drawing something, intent upon his artwork.

He was square built by nature though time and war had ravaged his frame somewhat. Lank, shaggy sandy brown hair had grown long during his interment. But he seemed more focused on his work than worrying about the door opening. I approached slowly, hesitantly and finally spoke. I don’t know what I said to get his attention but he finally did look up. The raw red of his eye sockets seeming to focus on the three of us even though I knew he couldn’t see.

“Hey boss”…The first words he’d spoen in my dream.

A vague conversation happened. I knew that his affliction had been caused, indirectly, by me. Something in this war had happened. Somewhere in my non-dreaming mind I knew it had been something terrible but even I didn’t know what’d happened. He nor I could handle whatever it was.

His parents were leaving, they were moving on or going for help or…something. As we turned away to leave the room he spoke again, lifting up the piece of paper. “Hey boss…I drew her…That girl. When I get out of here I’m going to go find her.” And he held that piece of paper out to me.

That blurry charcoal and chalk image is forever emblazoned in my mind as is the bright redness of his ‘eyes’. Knowing that whatever hell he’d been through was MY fault, that I owed him beyond measure for his love and support.

I don’t know that I’ve ever woken up in tears until that night but if the Gods are good I will repay that debt, brought in stark clarity to me by a hellish dream one night.

I’m a pro-wrestling fan. I have been since I was a little girl and my daddy would watch it on Saturdays and sometimes late at night. Many a time I have dozed off to the rhythmic thwap of body on canvass. I can dimly remember my father taking me to a WWF event, back when it was still WWF and being hosted in a local high school gym in a very small town. I still had the program 7 years later when our house burned. Tragic.

I took time away from the sport during the early 90’s since we no longer had cable television but came back to it full time by 1997. Wrestling has been a periphrial part of my life for many years since then through the inception of ECW, a few mid road productions put on by Ted Dibiase and others, the death of WCW and the emergence to TNA among other major events. The very first Smackdown was taped on a Tuesday night in Kansas City, at Kemper Arena, a few years after Owen Hart’s untimely death. We sat 8 or 9 rows up in the bleachers at one of the last major events at Kemper Arena who’d taken over for Memorial Hall as the place to be and at the end of the show, when most of the crowd had left…The Rock himself came out and sang a few Elvis songs in the ring as the remaining people crowded around the barriers, I shared that experience with my dad just as I had most of my wrestling fandom.

Lately I’ve been really combing back over history of wrestling including the major promotions. Crockett, Florida, AWA, Memphis, Mid-South…so many others. This brought me back to the memory of that hot and humid gym and the glare of the lights and the awe of seeing such awesome athletes up close. This led me to a search of possible local indy promotions. I discovered how close Harley Race’s school was and have been trying for the last couple of weeks to arrange a road trip to go experience a WLW live event!

Then recently, I stumbled upon Metro Pro Wrestling on our local sports station. A promotion…based right here in the Kansas City Area?!?! And there’s an event the next weekend?!?!

Must be destiny.

So, while my husband enjoys wrestling, it’s well known my fandom runs almost to the redneck level. I can be a rabid fan even if I can’t remember the name of every move and a good ring presence will win me over if you pair it with great technical skill. But he graciously agreed to take me on a date night, of my choosing, to the Metro Pro Wrestling event last night. He did reserve the right to bail out if it was slow or boring or lame but I had no such worries. Even as we pulled up to the rec center I was feeling the buzz of being involved in something live and vibrant. This grew when we joined the queue of fans who’d followed the promotion since its inception. Listening to fans from several generations trade stories and discuss matches was awesome!

The show began with the opening from Diablo, the ring announcer and from that moment on we were hooked. Each match saw the opponents approach the ring in ways that fit their characters though almost all of them found the time to make a trip around the ring and show fans how much they valued their presence while the fans showed their support.
Mark Sterling’s in-ring talent and the interplay of his escorts with the crowd was not only believable but so much fun that the hubby and I took the counterpoint and began cheering for the supposed heels!

I want one of their shirts!

We actually had a tag team match roll up on us up in the bleachers, thrilling and just shy of being almost frightening! We saw Sterling destroy a fans bag of popcorn and later a kendo stick from this same family was even used in a match! This night was action packed, entertaining and even knowing the practiced methods used in putting on a match you could see the damage and athleticism displayed by each and every person involved.

During intermission I was noticed by the same fan who’d had his popcorn destroyed. I say I was noticed but truly it was the book in my hand, purchased earlier in the night, the Arn Anderson story…We got to chatting, him being a witty older gentleman with a humorous turn of phrase, and I discovered I was standing next to the step son of Bob Orton Sr. This man was literally the STEP BROTHER to Cowboy Bob Orton Jr. and in a sense related to Randy Orton!

Talk about royalty!

We talked for several minutes and this man won my heart in the way good storytellers can. I even followed him inside to get the contact information from his son in the hopes of hearing more of these stories! Then it was back to the stands for the rest of the show.

I am new to the promotion so I don’t know every name we saw, half the time the actual match had me so enthralled that I forgot names. I’m bad about that! But the final match of the night was Adam Pearce and crowd favorite Jeremy Wyatt. A title match!

During this match we saw some of the best examples of why pro-wrestling is such a fan sport that have ever existed. Fan interaction, wrestling moves using the entire ring and the floor and some chairs and even the fans! This match went everywhere! The hubby and I watched in astonished excitement as the wrestlers crashed into the wall at the front of the bleachers we were sitting on…And then scrambled madly out of the way when they came OVER the wall! We watched a body slam happen where we’d been sitting seconds ago and with the other stunned fans we watched this battle rage back and forth before coming back at us! In our haste to escape we’d put ourselves between the ring and the combatants!

We didn’t look at or even think of our cell phones from the moment Diablo got in the ring. And when it was over? We rushed home to catch the televised event from the last show on televsion. We’ll be watching next week too, and the week after that…

And next time? We’re going to be in the front row.

Poppabear keeps up with some nerdy pursuits on a site called The Escapist ( ) which includes some great personalities including Movie Bob but so far my favorite is a man named Jim who does “The Jimquisition”. A recent segment discussed the effect video games have including the idea that they foster loneliness. This brought up several thoughts since I watched it a few days ago, including the persistent question: At what point does wanting to do things on your own become ‘wrong’? I have pondered this question many times in the last few years. A few years ago I started spending a lot of time with my dad which included a lot of time at The Bar. This meant a lot of socialization. I was also something of a social butterfly in high school as part of being on the college fast track. In the midst of both times in my life I remember a lot of fun moments so I’m not going to posit that I was hiding my true self or any such drivel.

But about a year and a half ago I chose to stop drinking the way I had been, chose to spend less time in unsavory places and by proxy greatly reduced my time spent in social situations. This included less time with Dawn, Dad and several other people and I thought I would miss all of this hustle and bustle.

I didn’t.

I have come to recognize that I am by and large anti-social. Now before you start trying to track me down so the white van with the burly guys that want to give me the latest fashion in the lobotomy line can come get me hear me out. I am not saying I hate humanity and have any intention of damaging large populaces or have some hidden hatred and desire for revenge on the nearest Krispykreme. (My thighs on the other hand, resent my hands for lifting the delicious greasy treats to my lips *insert Homer Simpson groan*)  I simply do not like being around people. I’m not afraid of people, though crowds do give me pause, at 5ft tall all I see are asses and elbows and yes the idea of getting caught in a crush and not knowing why does make me a little nervous. I simply don’t like them in general. I know I am not a pleasant person myself, I’m shrewish and judgemental, but it does seem to me that there is a lack of personal accountability and pride in most of the herd.

Case in point: I recently received a call to come in for a potential job screening in a sales position with a national company and the recruiter felt the need to inform me that their business is conducted with a dress code of business professional and denim fabrics, clothing with slogans, t-shirts, flipflops, active wear (yoga pants, sweat pants) and tank tops or sleeveless shirts would not be looked at favorably during the interview process. I could only choke on a laugh as she went through this list! Even in my fast food days I never would have asked for an application much less shown up for an interview with any of the above mentioned items on my person!

Dress code aside, it just exemplified this personal opinion that I have about people in general. I can’t stand small children, usually because their parents don’t enforce any kind of manners or discipline and usually have none themselves. Poppabear often likens me to Red from That 70’s Show or Walter of the Jeff Dunham entourage and he’s absolutely correct. I like specific persons but not people in general.

This is one of the reasons my Saturdays are often spent happily by myself or sometimes in the company of my gaming group, watching what I want to watch and not worrying that my switching up shows or games is going to bother anyone else. It’s a selfish point of view too so don’t expect me to say it’s not. But is it wrong? Does it make me a bad person or insane? The usually touted definition of insanity is repeating an action and expecting different outcomes so I tend to think of my drinking years as the definition of insanity. Each drink had the exact same effect that the one before it in a hazy progression that ended in a blank period and the payback of the next day. Now though, I enjoy the anticipation of knowing that after dinner Poppabear is going to go to the Lair and enjoy table top gaming or painting miniatures and I will get to wallow in whatever my mood is, be it musicals or sit-coms.

I am social however, I have friends at work to lunch with, I spend time with my mother-in-law or my auntie, both pleasurable pursuits. Every other week I go visit my little brother and dad to watch NCIS. So I am not socially deprived or walled off. I’m just anti-social. And in the wake of the multiple public attacks made by people who, in my personal opinion, are even more selfish than I am and I resent the idea of being lumped in with them by the simple word of insane.

I enjoy the solitude of my truck on the way home, with or without the radio, those rare times when the house is all mine and even the occassional tug of sadness that comes from contemplation that in the near future the baby bear will be off on her own and no longer sleeping safe and sound under my roof. But I don’t see this as being LONELY. I feel fairly secure in my own mind and usually emotionally stable. Stuff happens and mini swings of despair, frustration and anger are normal but I don’t feel any driving need to go join a club to socialize with other like minded peoples. Because like minded peoples would hate that idea just as much as I do!

This idea that we must be social to be happy isn’t fair, it penalizes those of us that never wanted to be cheerleaders, didn’t mind belonging to something but didn’t use it to define themselves. And it teaches new generations that they’re wrong for being themselves, leading to more medication to deal with these so called ’sad depression like tendencies’. We are a culture of acceptance unless that acceptance doesn’t fit the idea of the socially involved person. I may never join a cause or a march…then again I may lead one. That’s up to me and it’s okay if it’s a march of one.

I apologize now for misspelling of peoples names!
I know, it’s technically the third awards show of the season. The People’s Choice awards were…kind of dull. The same was moderately true of the Critics Choice as well. I appreciate the critics and some of the winners had great speeches (the young lady from ‘Beasts of the Southern Wilds’ anyone?) including some quips that were unexpected.

Now it’s time for the Golden Globes. I am moderately sad not to get my Gervais fix but Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are great funny ladies. Tina looked very va-va-voom in her initial interview with Ryan Seacrest and Amy looked classy with a touch of her classic quirk in what appeared to be capri suit pants. (If I catch designers and remember I’ll throw them in, otherwise you can find them in a hundred other articles and this is just my blog.)

Awards shows are like crack to me, I go on a bender each year for about 2 months culminating in a Vegas style wild night for the Oscars.

I started with the E! red carpet special which is hosted by Ryan Seacrest, Kelly Osbourn, Guiliana something and…Darn I can never remember the baby faced guys name.

It’s now and hour and ten minutes till the beginning of the show and I’ve got my teapot of Earl Grey handy and decided to randomly blog during the show. Rather than post several mini posts I have elected to do it in one long go. I’ll try to time stamp it randomly to give some point of reference if anyone bothers to read this. I have already seen some great looks on the red carpet and I wanted to slap Guiliana. She’s a tall statuesque beauty and the dress she’s wearing is a gorgeous black formal length dress with a Grecian dress with a gold embroidered mini cape type thing with cutouts up  to her shoulders. Unfortunately she didn’t stop there and added what is a high neckline with a ruff and a large jewel.  This made her swan like carriage look awkward and mismatched.

By far the best moment of the red carpet so far was the interview with Michael J. Fox and his family.

6:04 PM CST

Emily Blunt wore a gorgeous antique lace gown but unfortunately she also sported a severe up do with dark ashy blonde locks that took away for the contours of her lovely face. Amanda Seigfried’s eyes are smoky and piercing but they can’t carry the rest of the washed out look. Givenchy’s dress is precious and flirty in a cream with gold accents. The trend toward champagne blond washes her out on top of the very minimalistic make up. Jennifer Lawrence, admittedly I don’t know her work very well having not seen The Hunger Games as uet but she came to the red carpet in Dior Haute Cotour, a vivid red strapless that reminded one of old Hollywood glamor. The edge came in the form of a copper band at her waist but did a disservice to her svelte form by adding a ruffle that stuck awkwardly forward at the neckline.

And I admit, I love me some Hugh Jackman

Naomi Watts is a pleasantly balanced look with a wine coloured gown, long sleeved and very classic on her svelte form.

Taylor Swift, poor Taylor, this adorable kid star with a woman’s body and a Lucy-esque ego (at this point she’s had more ‘boyfriends’ than Rizzo!)…Plum should be your new signature color since it sets of your skin tone with warmth and the pairing with the earbobs that could have come from your grandmother was a wonderful choice! Most women would have gone with silver or diamonds in contrast but the warmth in the antique gold drew attention to her jawline without seeming clunky.

Zooey Deschanel, popularly known as ‘adorkable’ always stuns me, playing suck quirky characters and appearing so poised and glamorous on the red carpet. A simple string of pearls sets off her decolletege perfectly without being too gimmicky.

Julianne Moore chose an abstract black and white and an elegant updo.. Eva Longoria made sure you remembered her ‘assets’ in a cheap Angelina imitation and a high slit. I meant on the gown you pervs.

I’m not a fan of Keith Urban…and not exactly of Nicole Kidman either, despite her being in a few of my favorite movies. The coppery blonde needs to be toned down for heavens sake! the added sheer at her waist is just blech.

Burberry looked what some would call matronly but I’d call it dowdy. The ndress felt very much like a large black table cloth that was wrapped around her from the front and just stapled closed behind her. I did love her high boufant though!

Dax Shepherd is usually a goof but he and his date looked radiant and put together without being ‘matching’. Holy COW! Maria Coitillard ripped Jennifer Lawrence’s dress and ran off with it….minus half the skirt which she tucked up behind her and the ruffle at the bust.

Juliana Marguellies looks heavenly in a monochromatic long pony and a beautiful sheer lace dress! For the moment she looks like she’s 25 still!

Ok I missed some ten minutes because I was putting together the ‘feast’…Blackberries, green grapes, Cabot Seriously Sharp Cheddar, peppered turkey, sliced tomatos and celery with a very thin veneer of buffalo blue cheese dip and a mix of black and green olives….Yum and so pretentious!

My favourite red carpet personality is Sofia Vergara in a spangled black strapless and her always glowing smile. Denzel attended with his lovely daughter. When he was talking with Ryan I couldn’t tell if his jacket didn’t fit and those were seriously rolls I saw or if he was in a poor stance that caused it to look like it fit poorly.

At a second look Lucy Lu’s got a beautiful Caroline Herrera look that on many would look silly or cheap. With her almond toned skill and simple shining locks it looked precious.

Finally, the main event! Tina Fey and Amy Poehler both looked beautiful in contrasting elegant gowns. Lena Dunham is a perfect example of the ill timing of tattoo’s as it doesn’t let the lines of her dress shine the way they were meant to.  In true Globes fashion the opening greetings had jabs of blue humor that slowly evolved into more blatant jokes within moments including a joke about Anne Hatheway doing porn…And James Franco just not in the same event.

Is it just me or did Daniel Day-Lewis get even more handsome recently?

Kate Hudson was a stunning presenter for Best supporting Actor in a Motion Picture…My vote? Tommy Lee Jones. The winner? Kristoff Waltz? For Django? Huh….

Good Tarantino kudo’s though. Very classy.

Best Supporting Actress in a television …I just lost my train of thought…Uh right, in a television series, I wanted Jessica Lange. I didn’t get to see who won though, the hubby just mentioned something Hobbit related…it took precendence. I think Game Change just won for best television mini series..I thought Hatfields & McCoys was fantastic…This is why I am not part of the HFPA.

Best actress in a mini-series or tv movie? Jessica Lange was my vote and the winner turned out to be Julianne Moore for Game Change…sigh…it’s going to be their night I think.

Catherine Zeta-Jones set of her beautiful face with loose locks and a vintage gown that looked absolutely sexy and glamorous…And she intro’d the Les Miserable as a nominee for Best motion picture - Comedy or Musical and I have to admit, stylistically it is impressive.
The president of the Foreign Press was a great if somewhat stiff moment of formality and humor and her sequined tuxedo top was colorful without looking goofy.
Best Actor in a tv series-Drama. Bryan Cranston must win this one! I like the other guys but it’s his year…Damn another Homeland win though Damian Lewis does deserve some accolades. Homeland wins another Globe as the best TV series-Drama. Sigh.

I’m impressed they actually brought Tony Mendez to the stage to discuss the truth of Argo, and that he didn’t come off as polished but instead normal with some nerves.

Jennifer Lopez bores me. Life of Pi got best score. You have to believe a movie like that would need a powerful score so it doesn’t feel as cheap to me as it did last year when The Artist won so many awards for their score.

And now I’m off to do something Hobbit related.

Sorry…it’s more important!

I have recently been trowling through a site that chonicles ‘freaks’. I put the word in quotes because I certainly don’t want to offend anyone with physical variations, but that is indeed the post frequently used term…At least historically when the 10 in 1, dime and nickel sideshows, traveling circus’ and other attractions drew viewers in to what was often called ghastly and amazing. I’ll post the site on FB when I go to share it with the podcasters I listen to weekly.

Which is why I used the word sideshow when describing Cory Bookers ‘valiant attempt to live on $33.00 a week as a foodstamp recipient’. How (boo-hoo) hard it is for someone who’s never known hunger before to plan a week - A WEEK- of grocery shopping on a budget. I realize his intent was altruistic and for a politician this guy is actually pretty good, he may not be able to make policy changes but he does make you wish your politicians had the underwear on the outside dedication he appears to have when it comes to his public image. (And yes, I know he’s put himself in danger in some of these situations and I applaud his efforts. I applaud police, firefighters, especially volunteer teams, and EMS even more.

This entire escapade was of course faithfully filmed and social media’d so that we are all aware of how difficult this experiment was. Did he lose any body weight? Notice any changes to the texture of his hair? Nails? Skin? Bodily functions?

I know it sounds petty of me. I am lucky at this point to be able to afford to feed my family with no real concern outside of remembering to pick up milk on the way home. But it wasn’t always that way. There was a time when the Poppabear and I had a strict menu due to budget: an egg ($.079 a dozen at the time) and toast ($.39 a loaf) for him for breakfast (I have never been a food in the morning fan) and a sandwich (bread, sliced cheese - $0.89 a pack of twelve, lunchmeat at $1.99 for a pack which made approximately 8 sandwiches) for lunch in his lunchbag, sometimes leftovers if it was a good week for sales. My lunch was ramen (I think it was $2 for a box of 12 packs), sometimes with frozen veggies ($0.69 a bag)chucked in and a snack of iced oatmeal cookies ($1 for a package of 18 I think) with a slather of peanut butter (let’s say $3 a jar I don’t really remember) and dinner was usually rice, frozen veggies, a shared porkchop poiled with the rice then sliced into thin bits and saute’d with packets of soy sauce from who knows when we last splurged and ordered in or spaghetti. Assuming we spent $3 a day on dinners and adding in the remaining items I come up with a spend of about $25.00 a week for TWO, three if you count the incubating child. Some weeks we would substitute potatos for rice and make a sort of gravy instead. I know prices have changed and I’m being nostalgically bitter…but really? This feels more like a juggling act than a serious look at how people live. He didn’t have to bargain any of that food stamp money for cash for gas to get to work did he? Didn’t have to consider his additional expenses that make hunger and lack of nutrition even more difficult on a person?


Didn’t think so.

Well my dad did it again. He managed to get his head busted open last year when some drunks thought he was trying to horn in on a fight currently going on. Three out of the five of us in my family were involved in the ensuing scuffle, myself included..Almost six as Poppabear was there, he just couldn’t get to our side in time. In the end a broken pool cue, 15 stitches, on ambulance ride and a very very long night passed with no more than serious repercussions.

Oh yeah! Except for the stitches and bruises and concussion.
Since about 2009 I have cyclically spent most weekends with my dad and Dawn, drinking often too much and sometimes finding trouble. In reflection now I cringe in shame…But that got me thinking…

Why did I do it? Why does ANYONE do it knowing how much an arse they make of themselves?

I know all the usual reasons, alcohol is addicting, people don’t remember (Hey, you might not remember but trust me, someone around you is going to.) and several other excuses but I think it all relates to the adage that even bad press is still press and we all like attention.

There are a few other things I think feed into it, that some people act on things they normally wouldn’t and they find that freeing, especially since they can say it was ‘all because of the alcohol’.

Did I grow out of it? Kind of.

This is not a shameless plug…this is an explanation about how funny the world is…

For years now this blog has been included in my e-mail signature and other things but it hasn’t had new readers in a long time…or updates…until now.

There is a reason!

As anyone who knows from the previous posts there was a lot of …distractions…in my life. (There are a ton half finished posts in my drafts. More of those to come)
Then about a year ago my hero, Zeus, whom most people refer to as Adama…or Edward James Olmos….was going to be here…at a comic convention….HERE! So of course we went, taking along a friend and the kidlet. This led to two encounters with two very tall people that led to an exodus into their podcast territory comprised of a trio.

Now someone new knows about the blog *gasp*…Time to do some updates! The good news is that anyone who’s read it before will start finding new posts….

I promised BB some time back I would post more often on the blog.  That didn’t happen.

But I have a sort of excuse!

Back when Momma Bear got the blog given to her, she was a stay at home mom. Even when she initially went back to work she still made erratic effort to blog.  But when her Mommabear passed on, she got swept up into other things, trying to keep the family from falling apart.

It started out simply enough, my mom and dad watched Pro Bull-Riding religiously so a month or so after Mom passed, Dad called, from a bar no less (a place he’d pretty much stayed out of since I was a kid) and I could tell he was lonely. so I got Poppa bear to drive me down and that started a vicious cycle, every few weeks, then every other week, and then EVERY week, I and later Dawnie, my best friend, would join my dad at the same watering hole and proceed to get drunk.  It was fun at first, though I know we all made asses of ourselves on various occasions.

When Momma bear got her own license and vehicle, things changed. I was the party planner, the driver, the baby-sitter. And in a way that wasn’t too bad, I was taking care of everyone…But then it started to become tiresome. Silly little drama’s and things intervened many times.

Two weekends ago now, was probably my worst night. It started out fairly well, me Dad and Dawnie, couple of our regular friends. But then all of my younger brothers, their girlfriends and a few hangers on swarmed upon the bar.

Let me sort of explain. I have 3 brothers, the eldest grew up with a plethora of medical problems, and that led him to have a lot of things done FOR him and a lot of things done to him, and about him. I don’t deny that the kid went through hell growing up, poked, prodded, babied. But while it was all necessary mentally, he learned some very bad social habits and a sickening hubris. Because the nurses at the hospital always made a fuss over him, trying to keep his spirits up, and girls would fawn over him because they felt sorry for him, he decided he was a Pimp Daddy, he treats people around him like shit, like they owe him for the honor of his presence…And that by acting like this he’s making friends. He’s wrong, people use him, flatter him to distract him, and continue to use him. He ended up in prison over it after several chances to reform himself on drug charges.

When he got out, he had ‘found God’ and was going to really be a clean dude, it lasted about a week, maybe two then he was an asshole again. The family, chiefly my Dad and me, had sent him money in prison, visited him, bought minutes on his phone, Dad had paid the payments and lot rent for his trailer, even had a renter in it that did a lot of cleaning up and fixing up…But as soon as he came home it was ‘HIS’ house and people were going to go by his rules.

I’ll refer to him as asshole, and the girl he brought with him as sluttpuppy, because she is, she left this area to go to Vegas got picked up for prostitution and who knows what else, and convinced asshole to buy her a bus ticket home and she’d be his girlfriend…which led asshole to convince dad to spent the near $400.

Then there’s the middle one. His worst problem is he’s just had some bad luck, he gets a job, gets laid off, not fired mind you, laid off. But he’s always been there if I’ve needed him, and rarely asks for help, when he does it’s paid back as soon as he can.

Finally, the Baby. He has 2 babies of his own but there’s all sorts of drama there I’ll touch upon in another post soon enough. The main point is 2 days before I had taken off work to take him to court regarding that situation and afterward made several plans to help him get things together to work this out.

So it’s Saturday and Asshole, Sluttpuppy, Middle brother and girlfriend, and Baby and his girlfriend (I’m going to have to make a separate post about these girls) all arrive and swarm us. Asshole keeps snagging beers out of Dad’s bucket, which is pissing me off. Slutpuppy is off flirting with various other men. Middle and his girl and their couple of other friends are having a good time, and Baby and his girlfriend are sort of milling around in between. This doesn’t sound like a big deal but it made things feel very crowded. Especially since I won’t speak to Asshole and Slutpuppy, and had already been doing some baby sitting of drunks with some other friends earlier in the night.

As the night wore on I slowed then pretty much stopped drinking all together because there was too much going on and I didn’t need to get foggy, Dad stepped outside to talk to Red Riding Hood, another bar slag, who he’s known for years, because she was doing the whole pity me, I have no friends shit, Dawnie got upset when she found out because when they’re drunk Dad and Dawnie thing they have a thing for each other, truth is it’s because they -CAN’T- do anything about it that they even think that.

After getting that situation squared away, I stepped outside with the girlfriend of the Middle and Baby, just to get out of the smoke and noise, Baby was out there with us and ended up admitting he had been doing drugs that very day. I lost my cool, because I had forgone some things, a full day of work, gas money, lunch money,…To take him to court, to support him, to stand behind him..And he couldn’t even manage to go 2 days? I told him then don’t ask me for anything more since you can’t even do this much for yourself…

He got pissed about that.

Finally I had had enough and got Dawnie to agree to leave and took her home, thoroughly disgruntled, annoyed, tired,…

Dawnie though it was her fault, that I was tired of her…And now I realize it’s not that she’s right but she’s not exactly wrong.

I’m tired of being the social and emotional crutch. Dad uses me in place of my mom to hang out with as much as he can, in fact, though it’s a strong compliment, can’t stop from telling everyone far and wide how much I’m like my mom. Dad uses Dawnie for the emotional crutch so he doesn’t have to consider actually trusting and loving someone else because he doesn’t know if he wants to but he is lonely. He uses paying for everything, protecting and babying Asshole and Baby to keep him from facing the mess he’s made for himself.

Dawnie, she used to have a more active social life, but when she had a surprise 4th monster that had to slow down understandably, and she never managed to get back into the swing of things. I think she got lazy and then scared of taking the chance…Now I’m her only local friend. So every weekend she needs a break from the house  the kids and all, so she looks to me.

My weekends used to be get up on Saturday, do the bills and fluff around on the computer for an hour or so, wake the sleeping Poppabear, go get groceries and some lunch, come home unpack, and hang out. Hanging out might include going to Dawnie’s or her coming over here, or going out with my dad, sort of a rotating schedule. Now, it doesn’t run as smoothly and all I feel like I’m doing is the running and the babysitting.

So last weekend, everyone KNEW I had been upset by the weekend before and understood that I wasn’t doing anything.  This weekend though,…I think they all expect me to go back to the way it was…But even though last weekend was a lot of running around, I still didn’t feel as angry at the end of it. So Dad’s already kinda tried to see if I’m planning anything, Dawnie hasn’t but I think she might understand intuitively that I’m  out of juice…And I don’t intend to plan anything. I -might- convince Poppabear to go with me somewhere tonight so I can play a game of pool or two,  but other than that…No, I’m doing everything on my schedule and my whim this time and probably for a while here on out…

I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. But I know eventually everyones going to want to know why…

I’m tired of being the crutch, I need some semblance of ME back.

I realized a long time ago that I was a sharp tongued shrewish type.

I don’t particularly care for most people and I don’t have a lot of patience.

Despite this, I have made a few close friends in my life.  Poppabear, Dawn, the kids…

As you’ve heard things have been tough, not terrible but tough in the last year or so.  And I had thought Poppabear and I had been doing fairly well at holding on to each other.  But I realized occassionally, I was not keeping up my end of the relationship, that I had withdrawn a bit, the stress of everything wore me down as much as it would wear on anyone.

So today I decided to do a few things, I bought Poppa bear a just because gift, and myself something to help me with another problem I’ve had.

I texted the man about an event today that I thought he should take the baby bear to.  Nothing in return.  Realized later that a friend of his has a birthday today.  Called his cell to inform him, no answer…called the house phone, thinking he’d left his phone turned off, a very common thing for him.  He called be back on his cell while that phone was in mid-ring and demaneded, in the tone of you’ve woken me up from a nap ”What do you want” I didn’t mention the text message, just about the friends birthday and suggested he go grab a gift, the friends house is on the way home from work for me so we could drop off said gift.

He gave me the ‘fine alright whatever’ brush off and as he proceeded to hang up I heard his angry plaintive whining “Fuck just leave me alone!”

I realized this has been happening, almost constantly over the last few months.  He resents any of my suggestions about what to do during the day to keep active, to keep his spirits up,…Because I did spend 6 years at home,…but that was by CHOICE.  His at home time didn’t begin as a choice.  Unfortunately, the Poppa bear has become discouraged I think, dispirited, whether he wants to admit it or not.  He’s getting comfortable being relatively lazy, though if I said that he’d fly off into a rage about me being so cruel.  I admit to being a perfectionist.  With he and I both working, we had a menu planned for the week, and chores divided…And we kept things together.  When I stayed home full time, Poppa bears jobs usually involved lugging heavy things, and taking out the trash or helping me reach those things I couldn’t.

With him home full time, I truly thinks he means to do things…and some days he does.  Dinner for instance is certainly one consistency of his.  But slowly our house descends, time and time again into relative trashiness.  I took pride in having a neatened up house when he got home, because he worked so hard for us…I wasn’t perfect, by no means.  But the pride he shows is only sporadic and I don’t think it’s because I don’t compliment him.

He and the baby bear both, have gotten so lazy and complacent this summer…its heartbreaking to see my dear poppa bear act like it doesn’t matter if he gets a job or not he’ll just ‘wait till something comes along’ I agreed to this originally because of the kiddo being out of school for the summer and now I think it was a drastic mistake on my part, that I didn’t push and support him enough.

All I know is that over the last several months I’ve found myself ANGRY with him,  and trying to quiet that anger, that some of it’s irrational irritation, not real anger.  But his repeated temper tantrums, the sullen attitude, the daily schedule that reminds me more of a 15 year old left to his own devices during the summer…the more I wonder where the strong man I married went to and how he let other people tear him down to the point that he lost faith in himself.

I’m angry and hurt and I don’t know how to help.

I don’t want the perfect life, that would be boring.

But I do wonder what karmic god or entity I’ve gone and pissed off so I can send a fruit bouquet in apology, and a pretty little card telling them where to stick it.

Poppabear and I bought a house 2 years ago, it wasn’t the best house, we knew that.

Within the first 6 months, we found the roof leaked, several windows leaked, the basement leaked….

We fixed the roof, finally, even with Poppa still looking for work, replaced a few of the windows, and are still fighting with the basement.  Recently it began raining from the pipes, not just seeping from the walls, so we had my brother redo our entire indoor plumbing, which sounds expensive but it’s the labor that’s expensive and when it’s your out of work little brother, you can get the labour pretty cheap, the parts ran up about $200.

It’s still raining.

So we had to pay a ‘real’ plumber, because my brother just doesn’t have access to some of the fancier tools, to come out and snake the main drain, which appears to be clogged with roots.  The plumber was nice enough to charge us a nominal fee, and suggested a chemical method of fixing this, that I would never have attempted with the old plumbing, that we hope will fix the problem without us having to dig up most of our front yard and finding out where the pesky roots are and having to replace the entire pipe.

That’s all bad enough but it just keeps rolling in.

(I think this clog in the drain is some kind of cosmic comics metaphor for my life)

Dad’s been laid off as well, his son the plumber has been laid off, now unemployment is denied to dad because of a Vacation check he earned through his union that’s paid 2 times a year… so obviously this means he doesn’t need any way to support himself.

His union won’t let him have his benefits, insurance and the like, because dad only has the hospitals birth certificate not the ‘official one’….

Which takes 14 weeks to get from the state dad was born in.

Dad’s getting kicked out of his house, because the person he rents from has found a buyer, which wouldn’t be such a big deal except he’s painfully broke.

My brother in prison has no more phone minutes, or money in his account for items from the commisserary…and none of us can send him any.

My job is in jeopardy, not because of anything I’ve done but just because the market is what it is.  I don’t know what will happen then but if I do end up losing this job we’ll probably have to consider Poppa bear taking on 2 minimum wage jobs in order to make ends meet, because he’ll earn better wages at those jobs than I would and I’m better situated to manage the house and keep things together for him while he works than if I were to be the one doing it.  It’s just how we are.

I know out there there are people with lives much worse than mine, people who’ve already lost their homes, jobs, loved ones…So I’m not mired in self pity…Just dipping my big toe into the pity pool.


Anyone got a floatie and a margarita?

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